I lived a very loving life with a bisexual woman for years. It was mostly sexless, depending on your definition of sex, but it was certainly loving and nothing if not practical. We were seven years strong when the Portland Housing Crisis interrupted our bliss with a landlord who wanted to sell our rental house off to a developer. Seven tall townhomes now live where once our happy farmhouse once stood next to an undeveloped lot undefined by our wild backyard. Celia (we will call her Celia to protect her name) once said of a mutual friend of ours, that she could never sleep with our friend because she would come completely, passionately undone if she did, and have no control of her own life afterward. I puzzle at her remarks to this day. Aren’t those the only reasons one should even bother to do the dirty deed of sex with someone? “To come completely, passionately undone”? Otherwise, why bother? Why was the reason to do a thing the reason she wouldn’t?
The difference between myself and Celia was not just her practicality and self-control, it was also her education, poise, and position in life. I am older than her, less wise, and a dozen times more reckless. Self-control? I’m afraid I fall short. If I like cherry pies then let’s fill the tub with them, get naked, and take videos of our love-making in a cherry pie bathtub orgy. Celia wouldn’t mind a little cherry pie bath now and then, but she’d pay the rent first. I’d rather burn the house down when the bank account ran dry after spending every cent we had on cherry pie while maxing our credit out on champagne we couldn’t afford. Let’s collect the fire insurance to pay the rent! BURN THE HOUSE DOWN! Celia would never let me. Without me, Celia would never indulge in a cherry pie orgy at all. She would do it though because I wanted it. She told me how much pie we could afford to buy, let me indulge in the orgy, but allowed only three cherry pies in the bath with us so that our rent could be paid first. Three pies was all she said we needed: One to share after we smeared half each all over our bodies, and a separate second pie for each of us to sit on in the tub while we did the smearing and the eating. It was a grand old time enough, but I would have ordered at least twelve more pies. Do you see how helpful and practical it was for me to let Celia manage me? Three pies turned out to be fun enough. One does not need to sit on twelve cherry pies in the bathtub to have a good time. It costs too much and is unnecessary. There is also no reason to burn down the house if you can’t afford rent.
I was letting Celia completely tame me. I trusted her to pay the utilities on time and quite appreciated not having to do the thing myself. It’s not the money I’m incapable of earning, it’s the check-writing, and the envelope, and the stamp month after month. It’s the monotony of things that repeat themselves over and over that I can’t stand. It’s the effort wasted doing a boring thing you’ve already done one hundred times before; just to keep the lights on! What a yawn! It was best to ask Celia how many cherry pies we could have in the bathtub and let her pay the bills instead of me. Sensibly, I trusted her to keep all fire-making devices away from me. She was instructed by me to make me report my reasons for needing a fire-making device as I could not trust myself to have reasons that were safe or valid. Our friend Eunice was wildly mad for both of us, but would settle for either. If Celia could have me and not “come completely passionately undone” what was it about Eunice that made her a risk Celia could not take? Eunice was as out of control as me or worse! Celia could handle me but not Eunice? Lucky for me!
I did not want to lose Celia so this made me happy. If Celia did not think she could handle Eunice, I was happy that she was busy already handling me. The truth though, is that Celia could handle absolutely anything and anybody. I did not understand what it was about Eunice that was even less manageable than me, but I could see that Celia was a far better choice than Eunice or myself to play the role of the adult in the room. Anyway, you probably didn’t know that I like to sit on cherry pies when you started to read my advice column. Now you do, but if you happen to be Celia’s mom, this is all nonsense and kidding, and you should not worry that we were spending our good, hard-earned money on cherry pies to sit on naked in the tub at the same time we could hardly pay the rent. I am, after all, a story-teller. I feel very little pressure to tell the truth. If you are Celia’s mom, no need to worry what your daughter did in a bathtub a decade ago. This probably isn’t even about your daughter. I don’t even know anybody named Celia.
The point is I am really sorry that I suggested in previous advice columns that you should try to kill Donald Trump with witchcraft. It’s entirely possible it’s inappropriate for me to be writing an advice column on account of not once has anyone ever taken my advice and been glad of it. Shhhh…….. Murder is wrong, mmmkay? Following the assassination attempt on the former president at his MAGA rally, I am really, REALLY sorry I suggested it. President Biden even came on the television and was all “We interrupt the genocide in Gaza to ask you to tone down the rhetoric.” Well, here I am toning it down. I absolutely do not endorse violence and I highly recommend that three cherry pies is enough if you want to sit on pie in the bathtub with someone. They say “write what you know.” I am trying my best. I was wrong before.
Celia now lives with a much more sensible woman. Neither of us ever let Eunice have her way with us, but life isn’t over yet. I will likely break down with more time. Celia will continue doing the sensible good thing. Without Celia so close anymore, somehow I manage on my own to keep the lights on. My current apartment has no bathtub and I have made the sensible choice to refrain from sitting on cherry pies without a tub to contain them.
Probably Celia would say that this week’s column is a bit too personal and I shouldn’t post it, but like I said; she is far away now. I do what I want. If you have decided to take no one’s advice at all and just raw dog it on your own this week, perhaps you want, at the very least, a tiny bit of astrology knowledge to base your decisions on? We have already established that three pies is enough for a cherry pie orgy and political violence is wrong. What else should we keep in mind this week?
Jul 21 – 6:17 am – Full Moon in Capricorn
Jul 22 – 3:44 am – Sun enters Leo
Jul 25 – 6:42 pm – Mercury enters Virgo
Jul 26 – 9:59 am – Chiron Retrograde
A wave of quiet luxury is surging this July 21st as the Moon is full in Capricorn. The Moon was last full in Capricorn on June 21st. BACK TO BACK FULL MOONS IN CAPRICORN!!?? It’s a double-header! July’s full moon is called the Buck Moon because this is the time of year when deer antlers are velvety and fully visible. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, the planet of karma and time. Rewards will be handed out to those who have earned them. Get out into nature if you can. Capricorn is an earth sign. It’s time to send a grounding cord from your root chakra to the hot molten lava of the earth and remember you are connected to it. Touch grass with your bare feet if you can.
The Sun enters Leo on July 22nd. It’s time to get ambitious and be regular in your self-care and work routines. Leonine energy craves the spotlight. Remember to share it. It isn’t always your turn. The actress who desperately commands attention also occasionally suggests a dash of political violence and has to admit she was wrong. Oops, I was wrong. The Human Rights Campaign reports that in the United States at least twenty transgender and gender-expansive people have had their lives tragically and inhumanely taken through violent means since the beginning of 2024. The Trump administration encourages discrimination against the LGBTQ community. Their despicable plans against the LGBTQ community, women, brown people, and immigrants are all clearly written out in Project 2025 which is easily found with your google box, but hey, let’s all “tone down the rhetoric.” Never mind Project 2025’s plan for the biggest exportation of immigrants in history. Remember the kids in cages at the border during the first Trump presidency?Buckle up if he isn’t defeated in his second run. Don’t forget to “tone down the rhetoric” after your seat belt is on. Violence is wrong.
Mercury enters Virgo making us analytical but also loving, so together we lovingly analyze what the heck we need to do next. Chiron, the wounded healer goes retrograde on July 26th. You’ll likely want to pick at the scab of an old emotional wound and re-experience childhood pain in order to lovingly reanalyze the history of your pain and get over it. If you are sad because no-one has ever filled a bathtub with cherry pies and asked you to sit in it with them and have an orgy, I have this final piece of advice this week: three pies is enough but if you can afford twelve go for it! Why not? If you’re a trans person like myself how much longer can you really plan to be around? Maybe not long if MAGA takes power. Buy all the pies. Sit on as many as you want. Eat as many as you want. Spend all the money! Burn down the house if you can’t pay rent. Our side can’t even get behind our candidate.
Your Aunt Svetty is now fresh out of advice and salivating for some cherry goodness. Focus on happy things and take care of the people you love! Don’t hurt yourself! Tone down the rhetoric! Okay, back to the government supported genocide then! Murder is wrong! Everybody fall in line. It’s going to be okay? Pay the rent first! I will have a booth at Portland Pride selling cherry pies and astrology advice! Look for me! Enjoy the summer!
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